How can I save you?
How can I make you see how much I love you.
How much it hurts.
How it pains me to see you so.
Silent to the core, with a fear deep in your insides.
A fear of hooded men taking your life,
the way hooded demons took your family and your hope.
This is the point of no return.
Something must be done, a life changed.
But it is not to be, your lack of hope has done you wrong, my friend.
You are no longer family, no longer friend, no longer human.
You are but a living ghost, invisible to those around you.
How can I make you seen?
How can I see you?
When my anger clouds my pain and utter disappointment.
My friend, my brother, you are loved.
Hope, fight, let the sweat of your brow prove fruitful, and love back.
Fight for those who pray for you every night.
Fight for her, the woman who will follow you into the dark.
Love her, because she offers unconditional love.
Leave behind the past, runaway brother.
Run, please, for me, for her, for yourself.
Don't follow the light, fight it, hope, love and live.
This cannot be?
Don't you see? We see you, we see your pain.
We see you.
We love you.
So live, please.
Please don't leave me.
I'd rather not live without you, brother.
Runaway from those hooded men, and live for me.

Long Beach is nice. Work is stressing and hard, but it has become my life. Those kids are my kids. I want to cry when they get hurt, I get mad when they are treated unfairly and they are as much mine as they are of the foster parents who neglect them. Cochise is everyone's favorite. He's cute and evil. But I like Jahlil Amir Thompson, smart and bitter. He is mad at me most of the time. He does not like authority, he's a rebel that one. But when he smiles, I can't help but think that my day is worthwhile. There's something beautiful about working with children. I'm underpaid and well aware of it. Kids are beautiful at that age, 5-7. They are young, yet intelligent sponges ready to consume and overcome anything that comes their way. They are little rocks. They are innocent and strong in their innocence. They forget and yet remember. It is the perfect age to grow up. Jahlil is my favorite and he doesn't know it. I ask him if he hates me when I tell him to sit still, to stop talking, to tie his shoelaces. He doesn't answer me. I wish he would. Cochise smiles. He gets upset with me but if I smile, which I can't help but do when his little face is troubled with anger, or when he kicks another kid; when I smile, he smiles. When I laugh, he giggles. Jahlil is my my favorite. It has nothing to do with me. I was naive when I was young. He is not. He is plainly negative. Ready for the bad news first. Unwilling to believe in nice people. Unwilling to believe that people can love him. That I love him. 3 weeks.

The stars mock me these summer nights,
As I think of you under starlit skies.
Aimless, time wanders through,
Our tangled hands warm yet cool.
Sometimes I wonder how it would be,
To have you resting here with me.
To leave behind the fear of what you'll say,
As on your chest my head I lay.
To hear your heartbeats song on my cheek,
A bliss so sweet, I did not seek.
And if I die before I wake,
I'll dream of you.
And if my soul he soon doth take,
I'll remember you.

-all me-

I ran around today. Woke up early, applied for admission at VVComunity College. Went, took both placement tests. Signed up for orientation that would start in an hour. Went to orientation. Overall spent about 8 hours there. I'm all set and ready. I got home and found my EAP score. I passed math. All I have to do is send it to Long Beach and I'm back in the school. I'll do it. Duh. But I'm confused.

Today was hard for me. I did so much. But always on my mind I knew that atleast I'd be close to Fonze and now. Everything turns out ok, but I'm empty. iono why. weird.

CSULB is denying me entrance. I didn't take the entry level mathematics test.... Joseph. This is awful. Joseph I wanna cry. Joseph I fail at life.I called left a message. Can they do something for me? Probably not. Joseph, what do I do now.. OMG I'm the screw up. I'm a retard. How could I have done this. I'm so dumb. So stupid. I just wanna cry all day.

Duty calls, my friend. I believe I am now employed, in Long Beach. Its a summer job, in an office or museum or whatever.. probably as a receptionist. I don't really care what it is exactly as long as its stable and provides me with some income. This also means I'll be moving sooner rather than later. Fonze is busy also, job, family duties, and school that is starting in a week. Apparently I'll be seeing more of you and the girls and less of my significant other.

He's a planner. He plans. I don't really plan. So everything we do is pretty random. Today we randomly went to Hollywood videos and spent two 2 hours looking for movies that we probably will never be able to watch together :(. We walked around and sat and when we got up he held my hand and we held hands the rest of the day. I really like the feeling.

You probably know it better than I do. It feels right, almost normal. I like the way my fingers fit in between every one of his, and how our hands shake as we berate ourselves for being so cliche.

P.S He's Just Not That Into You... I thought it was amazingly correct... loved it. Need to watch it with him.

How can I save you?
How can I make you see how much I love you.
How much it hurts.
How it pains me to see you so.
Silent to the core, with a fear deep in your insides.
A fear of hooded men taking your life,
the way hooded demons took your family and your hope.
This is the point of no return.
Something must be done, a life changed.
But it is not to be, your lack of hope has done you wrong, my friend.
You are no longer family, no longer friend, no longer human.
You are but a living ghost, invisible to those around you.
How can I make you seen?
How can I see you?
When my anger clouds my pain and utter disappointment.
My friend, my brother, you are loved.
Hope, fight, let the sweat of your brow prove fruitful, and love back.
Fight for those who pray for you every night.
Fight for her, the woman who will follow you into the dark.
Love her, because she offers unconditional love.
Leave behind the past, runaway brother.
Run, please, for me, for her, for yourself.
Don't follow the light, fight it, hope, love and live.
This cannot be?
Don't you see? We see you, we see your pain.
We see you.
We love you.
So live, please.
Please don't leave me.
I'd rather not live without you, brother.
Runaway from those hooded men, and live for me.

Long Beach is nice. Work is stressing and hard, but it has become my life. Those kids are my kids. I want to cry when they get hurt, I get mad when they are treated unfairly and they are as much mine as they are of the foster parents who neglect them. Cochise is everyone's favorite. He's cute and evil. But I like Jahlil Amir Thompson, smart and bitter. He is mad at me most of the time. He does not like authority, he's a rebel that one. But when he smiles, I can't help but think that my day is worthwhile. There's something beautiful about working with children. I'm underpaid and well aware of it. Kids are beautiful at that age, 5-7. They are young, yet intelligent sponges ready to consume and overcome anything that comes their way. They are little rocks. They are innocent and strong in their innocence. They forget and yet remember. It is the perfect age to grow up. Jahlil is my favorite and he doesn't know it. I ask him if he hates me when I tell him to sit still, to stop talking, to tie his shoelaces. He doesn't answer me. I wish he would. Cochise smiles. He gets upset with me but if I smile, which I can't help but do when his little face is troubled with anger, or when he kicks another kid; when I smile, he smiles. When I laugh, he giggles. Jahlil is my my favorite. It has nothing to do with me. I was naive when I was young. He is not. He is plainly negative. Ready for the bad news first. Unwilling to believe in nice people. Unwilling to believe that people can love him. That I love him. 3 weeks.

The stars mock me these summer nights,
As I think of you under starlit skies.
Aimless, time wanders through,
Our tangled hands warm yet cool.
Sometimes I wonder how it would be,
To have you resting here with me.
To leave behind the fear of what you'll say,
As on your chest my head I lay.
To hear your heartbeats song on my cheek,
A bliss so sweet, I did not seek.
And if I die before I wake,
I'll dream of you.
And if my soul he soon doth take,
I'll remember you.

-all me-